REAL TALK (PART II) - YOU'RE NOT ALONE!!

(I READ EVERY RESPONSE THAT I GET ON THIS BLOG SITE. TODAY I AM RESPONDING TO WHAT SOMEONE TYPED IN RESPONSE TO "BETTER DAYS ARE AHEAD' ON 6-27-05 [MY WORDS ARE IN CAPS] PLEASE READ)

Who knows if you even read these responses but I guess I will just put it out there. This particular one caught me right at a time when it appears that we were having some of the same questions - yet it has become impossible for me to sugar-coat myself with the same old answers - what about when you do feel that God has forsaken you and that He doesn't have anything to say to you, THAT’S A GOOD QUESTION, I FEEL LIKE THIS QUITE OFTEN. BUT THE SERIOUS QUESTION THAT I HAVE TO ASK MYSELF WHEN I AM FEELING LIKE THIS, IS, WHAT ROLE DID I PLAY, IF ANY, IN GETTING BACK TO THIS FEELING? YOU SEE THERE ARE MANY THINGS IN MY LIFE THAT CAUSE ME TO FEEL LIKE I’M FORSAKEN. CAN’T PAY BILLS, FEELING ALONE, FEELING WORTHLESS – LOW SELF-ESTEEM, ETC. I COULD GO ON AND ON…BUT I’VE HAD TO GO DEEPER DURING THESE SEASONS AND POINTS IN MY LIFE TO GET TO THE CRUX. I CAN’T WORK ON THE SHALLOW END ANYLONGER. WHY? THANKS FOR ASKING…CUZ I’M SICK OF BUSINESS AS USUAL. I’M TIRED OF THE NORMAL IN LIFE…I’M NOT ONE FOR TRADITION, ALTHOUGH I UNDERSTAND THAT IT HAS ITS PLACE IN MY LIFE AS WELL AS THE LIVES OF MANY OTHERS…BUT I WON’T LET TRADITION KILL ME. WHEN I’M FEELING FORSAKEN, INSTEAD OF BEING DEPRESSED (AND I USED TO BE LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME, AT A MOMENTS NOTICE) I TRY TO GO BACK TO THE POINT WHEN THE FEELING FIRST STARTED. NOT DURING THE DAY, I’M TALKING BOUT’ AS FAR BACK AS I CAN REMEMBER…NOW, THIS MAY JUST BE ME, AND IF IT IS, THEN IT IS…BUT IF NOT, IF YOU CAN FEEL ME, THEN APPLY THIS TO YOUR LIFE AS WELL ANONYMOUS. EVERYTIME I GET TO THE CRUX OF THE PROBLEM…MY DESPARITY, MY LONELINESS, MY FEELINGS OF INEPTNESS, MY FEELINGS OF WORTHLESS, MY LACK OF IDENTITY…I COULD GO ON AND ON AND ON…AT THE END OF THE DAY, IT ALL CENTERS AROUND MY CROWD. I WAS WITH THE WRONG GROUP OF PEOPLE AND IT NEVER CEASES TO AMAZE ME, EVERYTIME I DETOUR AND GO BACK TO THE OLD CROWD, SOMETHING ALWAYS MESSES UP AND THEN I GO INTO DEPRESSION MODE. WHY? BECAUSE I WANT TO BE ACCEPTED BY THE OLD CROWD THAT GOD HAS BLOCKED ME FROM GOING BACK TOO…AND THEN I GET TO A POINT THAT I BEGIN TO WRESTLE SPIRITUALLY WITH GOD, TO NO AVAIL (CAN’T FIGHT HIM, HE’LL WIN EVERYTIME, AND THEN HE’LL LEAVE YOU SCARRED or WALKING WITH A LIMP-ASK JACOB IN THE BIBLE)

What about when you see the world going on around you but you cannot figure where you fit or if you do at all? IT’S A PERCEPTION THING THAT STEMS INDIRECTLY FROM A DISAPPOINTMENT OF SORTS…LIKE I TYPED IN THE FIRST PARAGRAPH. What about when time after time, day after day you try to tell yourself that you matter but there is no physical evidence of that because you get no further than half step you have taken time and time again. THIS IS DUE TO THE FACT THAT WE ARE AN IMPATIENT PEOPLE. WE WANT EVERYTHING NOW. WE WANT EVERYTHING THE WAY WE WANT IT, HOW WE WANT IT AND IF IT ISN’T, WE’RE QUICK TO POUT! NOT SAYING THAT’S YOU, I’M SPEAKING IN GENERAL, BUT I’M ANSWERING FROM MY PERSPECTIVE, BECAUSE I’VE BEEN RIGHT HERE BEFORE…AS A MATTER OF FACT, I USED TO PARK MY CAR HERE ALL THE TIME, BUT I HAD TO WAKE UP AND UNDERSTAND WHO I AM. What is it when you find yourself so deep in depression time and time again (some times are just easier to cover than others) but there is no one to take you seriously in the church, and to seek counseling in the world makes you feel so guilty about NOT TRUSTING GOD? THIS IS SOMETHING I’VE DEALT WITH MYSELF, PERSONALLY, BACK WHEN I WAS DEALING WITH A LOT OF ME ISSUES. CHURCH PEOPLE DIDN’T TAKE ME SERIOUS, THEY DIDN’T I KNEW WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT, AND I DID GO TO A PROFESSIONAL, BUT I DIDN’T FEEL GUILTY AT ALL. A PROFESSIONAL IS JUST WHAT IT IS, THEY’RE A PROFESSIONAL AND THEY SHOWED ME SOME ISSUES THAT I WAS STRUGGLING WITH AND THEY WERE ABLE TO HELP ME GET BACK IN PROPER ALIGNMENT. NOTHING AGAINST THE CHURCH, BUT BACK THEN, CHURCH TO ME WAS VERY DIFFERENT. TOO SPIRITUAL, SO HEAVENLY BOUND THAT THEY WERE NO EARTHLY GOOD...TO BE CONTINUED

(I WILL CONTINUE RESPONDING MONDAY TO ANONYMOUS FROM THE 6-27-05 RESPONSE-CHECK OUT THE ENTIRE QUERY)

I Believe But Help My Unbelief

I don't know why, but, I always seem to struggle on days when I'm tired. It's days like today that I have to sit down and chill out for a moment. There has been so much taking place in my life that it has caused me to take the day to reflect. Reflect on what? Reflect on what happened yesterday, yesterday representing the past. Some days I'm on a complete high...but then it all of a sudden turns into a sudden disaster...I mean, Murphy's law goes into affect...what can go wrong, will go wrong! So, while I'm transitioning from one place to another, it's important for me to stop and remember from where I've come from. I've got to remember that no matter how bad it gets, it could always, and I do mean always be a lot worse.

The trials that have come have strengthened my relationship with God! And that's for real...

I have to be transparent about something today. I have been praying for an event that I was planning for the young people at my church and I was nervous. I was so nervous because I didn't think that anyone would show up. I didn't know why...but I know that whenever good is being planned you're gonna have some haters. You're gonna have those who set out to work against you. This used to really bug the hell out of me and I prayed for God to kill them! lol Yes, the preacher prayed for somebody to die! And I have asked God to forgive me for that too, but, in my anger, I gave them power over me. That was then, this is now! Now, I don't give a care about folks who will never see a new way to do something. While I respect the older generation, I spend my time trying to find the qualities that I appreciate in them, rather than meeting their rudeness with more abrupt rudeness. Two wrongs don't make a right!

But let me finish telling you the miracle in all of this for me and what I learned from my experience. Well, for this particular event, I was concerned because I knew that this hadn't been done in a while, so I set forth to work together with other leaders that generally I people that get to me. The workers of evil used to make me lose my mind "up in here, up in here." But, I no longer allow them to get me the way they used to. I used to be real quick to lash out and retaliate. I hated letting people think they had the upperhand! I had a Peter's tongue FO SHO because as soon as someone would do something to me, it'd be on!

It's amazing to look back, in reflection, and see the growth...see how things have changed, not the people, but inside of me! I see things differently...although I still have my bouts of rage and nervousness, I don't allow people to get me to a point of pisstivity! Yes, although I may get upset, I don't allow it to go to the extremities that it used to go too. However, the point that I wanted to make is this, the event that I had been so worried about turned out to be a success. God moved, the people came, and it was more than the norm...so I had to give all praise to God, because it was nothing that I did, but it was His doing. The funny thing about it was that God told me beforehand that everything was going to be alright and although I had faith to believe, there was still that doubt. I understand the bible when it says, "Lord I believe, but help my unbelief." I'm praying that God help my unbelief today! As you can see, I struggled to even write this today...I usually have my blog done by the afternoon. It's now evening and I'm just now completing...so I say it again, Lord, help my unbelief!

Better Days Are Ahead

It’s the best of times and yet the worst of times…I feel good and feel bad all at the same time. I’m not sure why I am feeling this way, but what do you do? What am I going to do, kick and scream because I feel so much anxiety or just learn to take it in stride? Things are happening in my life at such a fast pace, I feel like I’ve made so much progress but then when I look at my current situation, I see that I have a lot of work to do. I don’t know, but, as I was saying last week, there’s got to be something greater than this! Life is to be LIVED! So, I gotta keep moving on…as rough as it may appear to be, I’ve got to keep forever in my mind that good things come to those who wait. I’m living in this NOW generation, where we want everything and I do mean everything NOW! I’ve got to be patient and understand that better days are ahead! I’ve got to bust through my paradigm and realize that I’m a lot better off than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I’ve doing things now that I’ve never done before. Things that used to scare me don’t even bother me anymore…I’ve cut off the people that were no good for me so why am I trippin’? Why do I feel good and bad at the same time? Why am I so joyful but yet feel sorrowful…what’s up with that? I don’t know, maybe I’m the only one that thinks like that in the world, but dangit,’ I just need some answers to some of the fundamental questions of life…that’s all. This is the stuff that most preachers don’t talk about…we give the good sermons…but most of us don’t say nothin’ worth anything past Sunday. It’s nothing that the majority of the church can live off of for Monday. I need someone to help me answer some of the puzzling questions of life…questions like, what do you do when you don’t know what to do?

Thank you for asking the question because while I don’t have an answer, I do have an answer…I, myself, have lived through this question and still yet today am perplexed because this question resounds in my ears to this day. “What do you do when you don’t know what to do?” I wait and use the time to get some rest. Because I look at it like this, if I’m tired and worn out, how can I be any good when I do get my next set of instructions? We don’t look at things like this, but we have to begin seeing life as a battlefield. I don’t know if you know this, but WE ARE IN WAR! Good versus evil…but we have a snapshot that the end is victorious for those who are on my team! In war, after talking with a few people who’ve actually been to Iraq, one soldier told me that the entire time is one big question after another. He explained that you live each day not knowing if it’s going to be your last but having to stay alert. You live each day ON HIGH ALERT and while you rejoice when you’re victorious, you can’t lose yourself in the one victory because the enemy could be right at the next corner, camouflaged for a surprise attack. He said that you have a tendency to feel good but yet bad at the same time, because you’re in a 24 hour state of emergency…every minute of the day is spent having to be watching your next step because any moment could be your last!

I see a vision of me walking down a dark corridor…knowing that God is ever present, but I can’t help but wonder if He forgot that I was waiting on His next charge! I don’t know if anyone understands what I’m feeling right at this moment…but there is something that I’m in pursuit of and it has to be better than what I’m experiencing now! I’m at a place that I want to cry out, “my God, my God, why have you left me? Or if you haven’t left me why the hell are you silent?” Why is the big question? Why, when I know that You are there do You remain silent when I feel I need you the most?” I know that the things that have happened to me have happened for the further enhance the Gospel…but I mean, hell! When is He going to manifest and show up in the midst of the trouble? He can’t leave me this way! I’ve come through way too much to turn back…and I know that there’s something great on the way. My prayer is at this point on the journey, Lord, keep me focused…I know the plan of the enemy is to use those I’m close to discourage me. I know the plan of the enemy is to make me look at my situation and the situation of those I love through his small eyes…but I know that something greater has been prophesied…something greater has been predestined. Yes, I’m discouraged about the state of the youth in the world…yes, I’m dismayed at their present condition, but I know God! I didn’t go through all the stuff I just went through to get to this point and say I quit! I’m not a quitter! I’m more than a conqueror!

I’m not going to give up now…but it’s hard! That’s why my inner circle has got to be tight! My inner circle has to consist of those who can challenge me in the midst of what I’m going through to push through the veil and see God! I received some blows in the past few weeks that could have taken the average person out…but that’s why God conditioned me in the hallway of adversity…that’s why God commissioned the enemy to take me through boot camp because He knew that I already had it in me to be a survivor…but I had to find out for myself that I’m a survivor and I don’t have to just take anything!

No matter what…I understand that I’m here for more than just me. I’m not here because my dad met my mom and conceived me. I’m here because God orchestrated my existence for such a time as this…and He did the same for you because He is no respect of person! So, with that said, I end by saying although it looks tight right now…BETTER DAYS ARE AHEAD!

REAL TALK

Some days it gets rough...and I'm referring to “the struggle” (take your pick- sexual, drugs, self-esteem, etc) on this journey called LYFE (LIVING TO YOUR FULL EXPECTATIONS) that very few people talk about it...but there are people who are out there who wonder what in the hell am I going through this SH__ for? There are people from all walks of life, especially those in leadership positions in church, the workplace, and in the community, who are hurting, craving to be loved...longing for their innermost desires to be met...and what do they usually get from a sermon? Nothing! They get more from Oprah than we get from church.

I'm tired of the drama...and I'm tired of pimps in the pulpit acting as if their sheep aren't wounded and hurting...willing to go to any lengths to have their innermost desires met!

We have to take a holistic approach in attempting to address this dismal condition. Are we going to continue as business as usual and act as if everything is okay, even with our own selves or are we going to begin to collaborate with one another about ways to help people deal with REAL LYFE issues? I’m not talking about rhetoric; I’m talking about something tangible that gives people life-sustaining power to LIVE. For instance, where do people go when they have an uncontrollable sexual craving that if not met, well you know how the story goes...they'll find a way to meet that need themselves, either through rape or you know how it goes? Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talkin’ bout! That’s what I’m talking bout, many of you are squirming in your seat as you’re reading this…but it’s an issue that has to be addressed, if not now, when?

Most people, like I used to, think that it's just sexual...think it's just about the instant gratification! But it goes deeper than that...and the horrible thing is that very few churches in our community are really set up to deal with the person who struggles sexually, whether it be in regular or like/as relationships...they just leave the person alone and defenseless to continue in the fight all by themselves. And that’s why our suicide rate is so high…because many just give up and say fu#$ it!!!!

Looking at the number of pregnancies out of wedlock, the statistics of persons who are constantly contracting an STD or even HIV, when does the drama stop? When does someone rise to the occasion and address this delicate issue that really isn't so delicate at all? These are serious times and if we don't wake up and rid ourselves of our own insecurities...there will be countless more lives put at risk...and you thought the Jewish holocaust was something? Well, you ain't seen nothing yet! THIS IS REAL TALK 4 YO ___!

Man UP

It’s amazing when I look at the animals and how much sense they have…I always wonder why we, humans, the ones who God blew His breath in act so ignorant! I am amazed at the sense that the animals had over where the Tsunami hit months ago. Looking at the news and seeing all the corpses it’s a wonder that all of the animals were up in the hills and mountains. Just the humans were the ones who died. That day began as a wonderful day. That day was very peaceful and out of nowhere an earthquake took place on the ocean floor, SUDDENLY. It’s as if the animals knew that something wasn’t right, something was out of joint and they ran for cover, but, us, what were we doing? We were probably going on with the day as planned, shopping, drinking, getting high, sexin’ so on and so forth…dancin’ to the world’s wonderful music. In the book of Romans, chapter 8, the scripture reads that creation is groaning, waiting for the emergence of the sons and daughters of God! Well, my question is where are the real sons and daughters of God who can discern the times?

I’m perplexed and troubled because the animals had enough sense to get the hell out of dodge and run for cover, but man had no clue…God told us in His word that the earth is under our feet and He also gave us dominion over the animals but we refuse to operate in our God given authority. Well, the generations are coming up behind us waiting for us adults to get our act together and be who God ordained us to be. We were placed here to bring life to others, not get caught up with who likes us and who doesn’t. We are here to disturb the established man-made religious systems but we refuse to walk the walk. We’re more satisfied with positions but NO Influence! We’re satisfied with the façade of looking like we are religious, but we have no REAL RELATIONSHIP with the God, the Father. I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of the same ole’ sh__. Excuse me if I offend you for a minute, but too many of our young people are dying for us to be going on with business as usual.

It reminds me of the day of the 911 attacks, we were having a wonderful day. It was bout 9am in the morning for me, and I was on my way to vote in a primary election. Then, SUDDENLY, the nation came under attack. It was a sudden attack that led the United States Congress to pray on the steps of the nations capitol. It was cute, but the true reason for the prayer was that they were scurred as hell! If the truth be told and you were keepin’ it real, you were scared too! Time is out for the games that we’ve been playing and whether or not you like me, we all have a job to do but we find more consolation in going to the club to find a freak for the night. Why is that? In a season when AIDS is spreading at an alarming rate, why do we still insist on putting ourselves at risk? Why do we stay connected to those things that can kill us? Why? The question today is why do we continue to go down the same road of destruction when we know the result is death? Don’t our children deserve better?

We’ve got to bust through the walls that continue to divide us and come together. We’ve got to realize that it’s bigger than us. It’s about generations unborn. If we can’t deal with our own mess, how do you think the next generation is going to end up? Or will they even have a chance at living, period? I don’t know if you realize this but there is a war waging against our children and if we continue to avoid US, then the next generation will not only have to deal with their mess, but they’ll have to deal with ours as well. I was reading in the scripture where King Saul was given an order to kill the Amalekites in I Samuel 15, but didn’t. I don’t have time to get into the entire story, but because of his disobedience in not killing ALL of the Amalekites, in the first chapter of II Samuel, we find that an Amalekite killed him at Saul’s own request. Isn’t that amazing? Saul’s disobedience caught up with him all those years later.

And just like Saul, so it is with many of us. We refuse to deal with the sin in our own life and we stand judgmental at others for the sin in their life. Because it may be inconvenient to deal with our indiscretions, we tend to think that they’ll just go away, but unfortunately, the scripture tells us that the sins of the fathers (mothers too) are visited upon the children to the third and fourth generations! That’s a lot of people that have to pay for your sins don’t you think? The ills of society are directly related to the sins in our personal lives and the question is how long will go on as business as usual? There is work that has to be done. I know my role in the bigger picture, do you? Here’s a hint: What is the biggest challenge you face in life or that you are afraid to face? Can you answer this question? Did you get afraid just thinking about it? Some of you may have, I know I did when I first faced my biggest challenge. But what I feared more than anything was what would happen if I didn’t do what I was put on this earth to do? How would the next generation fare up if I didn’t address my struggle in dealing with men? How would the next generation end up if I didn’t level with them about HIV/AIDS? We’ve got some serious issues facing us as a community, no, as a nation. And we can’t have punks, those who are afraid of what people will say about them, leading us. That’s like the blind leading the blind!

It’s time to Man UP and lead for the next generation! They’re so desperate for leadership they’ll follow anybody that’s willing to go out on a limb!!!

The Me against the World Mentality

(A letter to a son in a lockup facility)

What’s going on? I’m praying for you and I believe that this time in lock-up will do you some good. I didn’t say that I want you to stay locked up, but whatever it takes, I want you to get the point that you’re better than this low-life mentality that is out in these streets. Look at it like this, how do you know that God isn’t protecting you from yourself? How do you know that God isn’t keeping you from death? You don’t know what the enemy has planned for you out in the streets, so thank God in everything that you go through. You could be dead right now, but God allowed you to stay alive, why? He has a purpose and divine destiny for your life. Before your mom and dad hooked up, God had you in mind. That’s why there is no illegitimacy in God; you were orchestrated to come forth before the world was made. You aren’t a mistake and for you to have such a low viewpoint of you, now God has to allow you to have some time to yourself, because too many people are counting on you to COME FORTH!

I don’t think you really believe me when I tell you that I love you like you’re my own, but I do!!! I can’t express in words just how much you mean to me. If I were only with you because I had an ulterior motive, you’d be able to know because I wouldn’t have any love for you right bout now! If I were trying to get something from you, you’d be able to tell, cuz I wouldn’t want to mess with you until you got out of jail. But, I look at you, as if my blood is running through your veins and nothing you can do will ever make me change that perspective. That’s why I can’t give up on you. Our relationship is a God thing! Nothing else. Some days, believe me, I want to throw my hands up cuz of how much trouble you keep getting into. I don’t understand your logic when making decisions cuz you continue fu#$ up, but you know what? I won’t stop loving you because this is what fathers do. I learned it from my dad. You’re my son…and when you have kids (and you will someday) I want you to understand what your responsibility is. It goes further than cumin’ up in a woman son. It goes further than teaching them (if it’s a boy) how to get a woman…or how to dress nice for the boys (if it’s a girl). It goes further than teaching them how to look “fly” but, you have to go deeper and proclaim to them who they are by speaking vision and destiny into their lives. That’s what I do for you. I don’t waste my time telling you how to get a woman…that’s not my focus. My time with you is always telling you who you are! Even when you mess up, I don’t spend my time telling you what you did wrong, but I challenge you to see yourself the way God sees you. My time is spent trying to get you to see the bigger picture of how you fit into God’s world. Jeremiah 1: 5, tells you all you need to know, and then some. Your whole entire life was planned out before you got here. And you’re here for God’s purpose…not to get in good with the sista’s and kick it! I know it’s all fun, but there comes a time when you realize that all good things must come to an end.

Look at me son, look at my transition, although I don’t get rowdy anymore, you know my past, you know how I used to “get down!” Furthermore, you also know that just because I don’t participate in “sex acts” any longer it doesn’t mean that I don’t entertain the thoughts from time to time. I used to be bad, I tell you guys all the time how much of a “HO” I used to be. I used to put on a performance for other to cover up my pain. And it wasn’t really that, it was my anger towards the man that molested me. It was my frustration towards those who said they loved me, but I felt they left me uncovered, I felt they could have seen that something was wrong with me, but were so caught up in their own life, they refused to see my tears. All that sexin’ I was doing was because someone violated me and I never wanted to deal with the “REAL” besides, I didn’t know how! Sounds a lot like we have something in common because your major problem is that you have some anger and stuff locked up inside you towards some people that you love. You have some major issues that need to be addressed with some people in your family that you thought they were supposed to protect you and they didn’t and it’s causing the “little boy” inside to cry out for help…and because it seems as if no one hears you, you lash out through crime because you’re trying to fend for yoself cuz you see things as the song says, “Me Against the World.”

I am challenging you today; get a different viewpoint or perspective of life. Your vision as to how you see things is too small. Take this time in lock-up to ask God to reveal to you who you really are. It’s one thing to read it but it’s another for God to reveal it to you. I Love you and we’ll be in contact!

You’re an anointed man of God with a divine destiny. Don’t forget it!

Love you 4 life, it’s not you against the world…if God is for you, He’s more than the world against you!

Love you son…brighter days are ahead!

Never Die!

I have come to realize one thing…I miss my dad! More now than ever before I see how much I need him in my life. I couldn’t help but reflect as to how different my life would have been had he not been the man he was. Although he’s been gone now for seven years, its as if it were just yesterday that I was sitting on his bed talking to him about the plans that I had for my life. It’s like it was just yesterday that he was sharing with me the dreams he had for me, the thoughts about seeing his children graduate from college and the likelihood of being able to hold his grandchildren. THAT’S ALL GONE NOW!

There are some things that he’ll never ever have an opportunity to experience and I can’t help but wonder why? Why did he have to die so soon? Didn’t he know how much I needed him? Didn’t he realize that although I was a man, a man needs his daddy just as much, if not more than a child does? There is anger and resentment at times when I look at men who still have their dad’s by their side. I was watching a show on television last night that had fathers and sons on. The sons were sharing how important their fathers are and have been in their life. They were expressing their gratitude and appreciation and I couldn’t help but think, “why couldn’t my dad be here for me to tell him one more time, how much I love him and appreciate him for being the man, dad, and husband that he had become?” Some days I do a lot better than today, but it hurts! Although, as I’ve said, it’s been seven years, the emptiness is still there, but what’s changed is that I can rejoice in the memories.

My father was more than just a sperm donor. He was intricately involved in my upbringing. He was involved in every aspect of my life until the day he died. And as true as I can be, although he is no longer here physically, there is not a day that goes by, that I don’t reflect on his life and thank God, my heavenly Father, for blessing me with such a man. A father and mother are special because they put up with our mess. It’s generally a “given” that your mom and dad will be there for you, even when you do something stupid. Others will walk away from you after you’ve failed so many times, but your parents? They’re usually around for the long haul. That’s what I came to expect about my dad. When I gathered the strength while in college, to call and share with him that I had been molested and was always afraid to tell him. His response somewhat surprised me because it was nothing as I expected. His response was simple and yet unique I that he simply said that there was not one thing that I could ever tell him about my past that could or would change who we were to each other. Wow, that’s a dad!

He was my rock! I could always lean on him for support after that, because I knew that I didn’t have to perform for his acceptance, I came to realize and understand that he was proud of me, no matter what! He was my protector…whenever any hell broke out, whether I was at home or away in college, I could always call him and he’d make everything okay. He gave me a vision to think far past my current situations. He would always talk about his grandchildren and his great-grandchildren…of which he will never see, but he was unselfish because he would always refer to them as the reason why he was doing certain things. This is the reason why I have the mentality that I do today…always thinking three and four generations down the line…because the true test of leadership is not what people do while you’re around, but what they do and how they work together and perform, after you’ve “left the building!”

Now, with my father being gone and me never ever having the opportunity to talk with him while I’m here on this earth, I realize that on one side of things…all I have left is my mom; the one other person that is destined to be there for me through thick and thin. But, I’ve discovered that everything that my dad was too me, my rock, my protector, my shield, my comforter, etc…I’ve found that the ALMIGHTY God is that and then some! I’ve discovered that God has been there for me and will never ever leave my side! I thank God because now I understand the scripture in the book of Isaiah when King Uzziah died and he said that after the King died, he saw the Lord. After further study, Uzziah was a good king, however, he got in Isaiah’s way of seeing who God truly was. I leaned on my earthly father and without knowing, went to him when I should have gone to God. I know God today because of the pain and agony of losing my father. And I know it may sound crazy but I’m glad that I can look back and see the good in something that brought so much pain.

As long as I’m alive…my father will never die!

For those who still have their father’s, don’t take them for granted. Cherish your time with them because you never know when it will end. Because when it’s over, you can’t get it back…believe me, if I could, I would…but the memories...WILL NEVER DIE!

ROBIII+

Looking for Love in all the wrong places

During this season of transition where do I find love? I wonder if I am adequate? Am I sufficient? Am I satisfactory? I can’t help but wonder, with everything that I've been through, if there is something that may be wrong with me? I have to be honest because I know I can be my own worst enemy some days! It makes me think, what is a young man like me doing alone? Is it God’s timing? Am I on God’s schedule to be single right now or have I gotten out of His will for my life? Am I afraid to approach a woman to ask her to commit to me? Or is it that I’m afraid of the commitment? Just some thoughts that make you go Hmmmmm; I really want to know, am I holding myself back from genuinely experiencing love? I don't know...but I have to confront this during this transitional time in my life.

Some might ask, why? Why do you need to confront these deep issues of the soul? Why not just move on as if everything is just everything? We tend to avoid matters of the soul because when we open up these issues, it can get kind of ugly if we’re not prepared. I’m not pleased with my insecurities, but I want to understand myself because if I don’t then I’ll continue to do a lot of the same things throughout my journey with no resolution. Matters of the heart need to When I keep playing back memories from yesterday, I'm ending up in the same exact place...I think I may have a fear of committing to there is a fear that I have pertaining to commitment! Why is this? Could it be because I don't want to disappoint anyone? Could it be that I'm afraid of being hurt? Is it that I don't feel that I don’t deserve to be loved? I'm not sure which one it is, but I'm determined to deal face to face with my insecurities. I never saw this as an issue until I was discussing with one of my young people about their need to be loved and how they feel the only way they can feel love is through sexual intercourse. And, believe it or not, this is the way not just young people feel, but adults as well. They identify love with intercourse and not just with one person, but with whoever is available for the “temporary” fix. Because at the end of the day, that’s all intercourse is anyway, a temporary fix! As I shared with her, she’s looking for love in the wrong place.

We’ve got to come to a consensus on the essentials of life as to what’s important as it pertains to relationships because we have a lot of people who are at risk of selling themselves short just because society says you’re supposed to be with somebody no matter what. I don’t know about you, but I can do bad all by myself. And as I tell my aunt, if I need comfort at night, I can buy a stuffed animal…but a quick fix isn’t going to cut it for me anymore. A quick fix isn’t going to take my insecurities away. God is the only one who can fix the imbalance in my life. He’s the one who created me and knows all about how I operate. And get this, He knows the woman that He’s prepared for me so why do I feel like I need to rush Him? If I were to listen to society and ignore my insecurities, then I’d be headed for divorce court because I’d be entering into a danger zone of sorts with hidden motives, which inadvertently will lead to destruction.


I've got to remember during this transition that God chose me! I can’t allow myself to get distracted with the whims of society. I’ve got to settle in my soul that I'm special to God. I'm fearfully and wonderfully made! He ordained me for greatness! God is love and that’s where I’m going to find true and complete wholeness, in Him! He ordered my footsteps...and in the fullness of time...His value is going to be seen in me!!!!

Transition is Tough

Transition is tough and painful. Transition, while it has its advantages, has many disparaging repercussions as well. One of the things that I am noticing about transition is that I’ve grown so accustomed to the status quo; I’m hesitant to move into tomorrow because I don’t know what tomorrow promises. I’m content with today because nothing has changed from yesterday…so I’m what many would call, comfortable. And yet, now God has called me yet to a higher place in HIM. I dare not pause and hesitate after I’ve said yes, but I think that it’s good that I’m really assessing what MIGHT be coming my way. The point is, I DON’T KNOW what tomorrow holds and this is what is building my character because I have to go back to the day when I was at this stake in the road with God before and remember that through the last process He didn’t leave me and I have to use that as a gauge for this process as well.

Transition is tough! I think of when President Bush went through his transition stage when he was first elected President. I recall all of the excitement but yet the weariness when he soon discovered what he was inheriting and the weightiness that awaited him once he was sworn in. Life as he knew it was over forever. He was in the public eye until the day he died…because looking at the other former presidents, the camera doesn’t stop rolling once the next person takes the oath of office. I remember the anticipation of all the goals and aspirations that he spoke of but yet, how different his term in office went because the enemy had a plan. I learned a lot from watching him and I use that today as I’m in transition. I’ve had to go thru and delete names and numbers…and email addresses. Life as I’ve known it is over because I have to prepare myself for what is to come. Like a professional athlete, when he or she comes to the forefront, they didn’t just start training…but they’ve been training for years before they get to the public eye. I’ve been in training for quite sometime now and I’m in training to be a ruler here on earth and in the next life.
Transition is tough because I have to settle my yesterday and let it go! If I don’t let go of the issues of yesterday, I run the risk of jeopardizing my today and eliminating the promises that God has in store for me. There is a generation coming behind me that is waiting on me to run my race so that they can take the baton in the pass-off and run their leg of the race. Why would I go through all that I’ve gone thru only to hesitate and stumble and not only mess me up, but also ruin the journey for everyone coming behind me? I’ve got to keep one thing in mind during this entire journey and that is, IT’S NOT ABOUT ME! The decisions that I’ve made in the past, the ones I make today and the ones that will be made tomorrow ALL will have an effect on the next three to four generations. Now this is something to ponder!

ROBIII+

Keep Ya Head Up

God sees you as His child! No matter what your flaws…know that God doesn’t see you in the state that you are in today, but God sees past you, all the way down to your great-grandchildren. Understand, know, and receive today, God’s authentic love for you. He cares about you and wants to see you walk in everything that He has ordained before the foundation of the world.

There is nothing that you can ever do that will stop Him from loving you. Whether you’re a murderer, King David, in the Bible was a murderer and God still called him a man after His own heart. You can even consider yourself to be a homosexual, but that will never stop God from calling you His child. No matter what the situation is that you allowed yourself to get “caught up” in, God sees past your NOW state of mind, to the person He originally created you to be. Whether you were or still are addicted to drugs, you are His chosen creation. You can’t be disqualified from the love of the Father. Even if you are a habitual liar or entertain thoughts of suicide regularly, please know that nothing is so bad that God can’t fix. He loves you so much that He allowed you to go through the drama just so He could show you, first hand, His awesome love.

Some people might be threatened that I, as a priest, could say some of the things that I just said. And that’s because many people in church have either never forgiven themselves for their past or they’ve allowed someone to tell them that God won’t forgive them because of their YESTERDAY. They have refused His invitation to be loved because of the way they see themselves.

See yourself the way God sees you! You are His child and He has nothing but the best planned for you! Allow yourself to experience His love today! You can only be separated from the love of God if you allow yourself to be. It’s about knowing and believing He loves you regardless of the circumstances and the obstacles that come your way. Your vision of yourself is too small! Expand your mind…destroy your paradigm…and see yourself as the favored child He created you to be. Keep ya head up!

ROBIII+

How do I LIVE today?

The question was raised yesterday as to How? How do you just make the decision to LIVE? Thank you for asking the question…first and foremost, this was hard for me at first, so don’t think I don’t feel your pain. Don’t think that when I type, I just type something and that’s it. NO…I don’t type or speak or preach on anything that I haven’t walked out personally. This journey ain’t no joke, but God is gracing me everyday to stand on His word.

In his book, God Has a Dream, Archbishop Desmond Tutu talks about seeing things in life from God’s perspective. This was paramount in my being able to LIVE. It’s easier said than done, believe me, however, I came to a point in my life where I was tired of all the isms and schisms. I was tired of the drama that I allowed to overwhelm me because I was trying to create this “image” of what I thought people expected of me. I don’t know about you, but I got sick and tired of keeping up! I had to realize and accept for myself that God saw me as His child. He doesn’t view me as a servant, or as a slave to Him, He sees me as I am, as His son. As a joint heir with Christ…and until you see yourself, in spite of all that you have done or may be doing right now, you’re still His child. This concept is so foreign because we live in a fallen world. We live in a world where we have to perform to gain acceptance by people…we live in a world where the majority of us never had father’s in the home…and thus, it becomes hard to conceptualize God as Father. He knows everything about me and He yet, still loves me for me.

We really don’t hear that in our churches, synagogues or mosques any longer. We are usually given a set of rules to abide by and told that if we honor God, then we have to honor His rules and if we break His rules, then we run the risk of being kicked out and disinherited. There are some, because of the way the church has presented this, who automatically count themselves out because they don’t see a life past their indiscretions. People don’t see themselves ever being able to reach a place of Holiness to where God will accept them. As a matter of fact, I found myself in the same place. I thought, because I was molested as a little boy, I was disinherited from being able to receive God as Father. I honestly believed that there was no use in trying if I was already disqualified. So, what did I do? I became, what people call a hypocrite. Because, although I thought I was disqualified, I still attended church weekly and “got my praise on!” and went to the altar to ask forgiveness, but I never really received His grace and forgiveness! I went back to my seat and thought to myself, “okay now what?” I figured that I’d just get by day by day until I said to myself…”self, there has to be something more to life than this…is this all there is?” I couldn’t find this place of utopia in sex because eventually the thrill would leave and I couldn’t find it in a high because as wonderful as it was I had to come down to reality. I was tired of wearing a mask; I was tired of being “plastic” for people. I wanted something more and that I found by coming to grips with yesterday as FACT! I can’t change what happened, but in accepting who I was as a child of God, I began the healing process to a better tomorrow.

By accepting myself as His son, I was able to face the person that molested me all those years ago. I was able to not only confront them, but I was able to so something that I never thought I’d be able to do, FORGIVE! (I’ll go more in depth about forgiveness in my next journal)

Today, I’m LIVING because God is my Father. I’m LIVING today because I accepted the fact that I can’t change yesterday. I’m LIVING today because in spite of myself, I’ve experienced the pure unadulterated love from the Father. Will you accept God as your Father? Will you allow Him to love you and embrace you at your greatest point of vulnerability? Will you allow the healing process to begin inside of you and accept your yesterday as fact so you can move on to what God has promised for you? You may ask, “What has He promised me?” I’m glad you asked…He’s promised us…Hope and a Future! I ask you again, will you receive Him today?

ROBIII+

When are you going to LIVE?

In his book, No Future Without Forgiveness, Archbishop Desmond Tutu makes an alarming statement that has stuck with me for the past week and I want to share it with you in hopes that it will provoke you to LIVE!

”…The past, far from disappearing or lying down and being quiet, has an embarrassing and persistent way of returning and haunting us unless it has in fact been dealt with adequately. Unless we look the beast in the eye we find it has an uncanny habit of returning to hold us hostage.” (p. 28)

This particular passage captures the essence for why I do what I do. This is, the fundamental reason behind Real Lyfe blogs…because the majority of us are afraid to deal with…THE PAST! As if it’s a big monster, we’d rather shy away from it and make-believe everything is okay when it’s really not okay. I was speaking to a doctor this past weekend and we were talking about the alarming statistics of HIV and how 2/3’s of African –American women are infected with HIV and don’t even know it. It’s amazing and alarming, the fact that someone can be carrying something inside of their body that can kill them and not even know it.

Hmmmm…let me ask the question and maybe this can catapult us to the nucleus of our discussion for today because, let me go personal for a moment, I, for one, have made it a focus of mine to deal with the issues of my past…the reason being, I don’t want my kids to have to deal with my indiscretions and mistakes because I was a punk and didn’t have the strength or courage to deal with them myself. I don’t know, I may be alone on this particular issue, but what Archbishop Tutu says in his book is absolutely true. The majority of us would prefer for our yesterday to be swept under the rug rather than deal with particular issues that we’re afraid of dealing with. We run around, as young folk would say, “scurred” always wondering if someone is going to find out about our embarrassments and we wonder if they’re ever going to be used against us. Why are we so scared? What is there to be scared of? I mean, for most of us, if we were to be totally honest and real with ourselves, our life is hell on earth; we put on the façade for people because we claim, “we don’t want folks knowing our business.” The tripped out thing is that the people you’re trying to deceive know your business anyway, so why all the lies?

Look at the last sentence of Bishop Tutu’s statement…”Unless we look the beast in the eye we find it has an uncanny habit of returning to hold us hostage.” I don’t know about you, but that hit me like a ton of bricks…I was talking with my pastor this weekend and I was sharing with him that I am finally, at the age of 31, learning how to LIVE! As old as I am, I am finally getting to a place where I can LIVE and not be encumbered with my past. That’s a statement that most people can’t make because most of us are caught up in the rat race, trying to keep up with the Smith’s and the Jones.’ For real though, can you take a look at your past and say that you’ve settled the memories that haunt you? The memories that have kept you locked up unable to LIVE? There are some people who are on their third or fourth marriage, and that one is almost over, all because you were molested in your childhood and you are unable to trust the opposite sex! You are unable to LIVE!

Let me conclude this by asking one question…”are you afraid to deal with your past? Are you afraid to really settle the issues once and for all?” I’m asking this question because I’m wondering how many more people have to be infected with HIV all because we need to cover our pain with multiple partners? I’m asking because how many more divorces can you endure, all because you’re afraid to stretch out and LIVE? How many more kids will be victimized by abuse whether sexual or physical, all because you didn’t settle the issues in your past?

When are you going to wake up from your sleep and LIVE?

ROBIII+

Embrace the Change

I'm at a place where I really can't put into words what I'm feeling, but I'm going to attempt to do my best...and still I don't think I'll be able to say it like it really is! I'm tired. I'm tired more now than I've been in a long time. I don't know what this is related to but whatever it is...I wish it would leave. No…I know what it is, it's me.

Let me explain it like this...now that I'm transitioning and typing to a world of people, I feel very different because I'm not in control of who reads this. I'm not in control of any responses and this is the first time that I've been in this type of arena...talking to a group of people that I really can't see! I want to scream right now, but I can't. I want to walk away from all of this, get on a plane and kick it on the beach, but there is work to be done. Finally, when the weather has finally come to a somewhat decent state where I can really enjoy myself, I have found myself angry for no reason. At a time when there is so much to be excited about, I'm still yet longing for the way things used to be. The seasons have changed and I have to learn to appreciate and embrace the changes that have taken place...although I really don't want to. (I'm keepin' it real ya'll)

We as beings don't like change...well, let me keep it personal...I DON'T LIKE CHANGE! It's hard for me, but at the same time that I'm confessing that I don't like change, the other side of me, and the pastor side of me knows that change is good! The Richard side of me wants to go back to the way things were, understand that? But the same body, but a different title that resides on the inside of me knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that change is needed and change brings refreshing! While Richard could care less, the gifting of God that resides on the inside of me has to overpower the flesh in me that wants to keep things at status quo.

I can now do some things in this season that I couldn't do in the last season. I can now put my coats and sweaters up...FINALLY, because the season has changed. I can't take the clothes I wore yesterday into my today. Why? Well for one, I'd pass out! How stupid would I look in 80-degree weather wearing a turtleneck, sweater, and a coat? You would think that I need to be admitted to an insane asylum or something.

Well, I don't like this new season because I have realized that there are some people who aren't with me any longer. They were with me for the past few seasons of my life...these were crucial seasons and I needed them but now God has released them and has separated them from me. AND I DON'T LIKE IT! Now before you jump to conclusions like these may have been bad people or something...No! These were close covenant friends that would have my back in the heat of battle at a moments notice. And now I have found myself alone. The thing I feared the most...being alone...has now become reality!

I have to remind myself that God wants to show me something great...and He couldn't allow me to get distracted by focusing on relationships in this critical time in my life...but it's still hard. I know that God is with me...to protect me...to save me...but I still have to deal with the longings of my soul. What I wouldn't give to be in the last season...but at the same time I want to know what awaits me in this season. Shoot! I didn't go through all the hell and drama to get here to sulk and complain and miss this moment! God moves from glory to glory which means that He gets better and better. Now, if He was good to move in the last season...then He will exceed His greatness in this season!!! And as lonely as I am...I can't wait to see what He has in store for His elect!!! Can you?

I proclaim today...It's a new season...new day...fresh anointing coming my way. A season of power and prosperity. A new season has come for me!